There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
should my penis look like a turkey
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
