Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
