woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
