Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
