I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She announced her abortion via fbk
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
