I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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