her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
