omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
