Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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