I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
