I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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