Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
