Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
