Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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