I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I think I just shit out all my problems.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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