She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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