I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
