my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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