ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
