Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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