took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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