Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
