I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
