I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
