I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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