My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
