Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
