dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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