Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
