we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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