Ketchup is God's man juice
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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