I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
