soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
