I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Randomize
