Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
