when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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