Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
