tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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