i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
