when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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