Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
