Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Floor bacon is actually really good
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
