Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
