I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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