I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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