GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
