i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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