thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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