Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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