Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
